Attic Ramblings

There is a certain heaviness I cannot seem to shake, except in moments. Two nights ago was one of those moments--hanging out in Adrian's attic with him and Sarah. His record collection and memorabilia stored in that finished space, accessible only by ladder. Chillin with some cider, cheese and crackers, sprawling on pillows and talking about Georgia O'Keefe and tarot readings... It took some serious opening to get to that point, to get past the clouds I've been feeling surrounded by. But there is a point of laughter you get at, sometimes, when you just see a flicker of the way life should be. Felt a little irresponsible, sure, like teenagers--but these planned once a month support group meetings have become my treasures--and my moments of clarity.

Connections arise in these moments of truth. I told them about my latest exploits in the life of Margaret Fuller, and Sarah told me that she used to do the lights for a one-woman show on Margaret in the late 80's. Laurie James, Fuller actress and historian, had given her a couple books which are still in Sarah's attic, which she will pass on to me. This seems a fitting calling of late-- to bring Margaret out of the attic of this place where I live-- and let her light walk along the shores yet again. I am convinced there is magic in this place, perhaps imbued by sacred dancers centuries ago.

These explorations into past and present bring me to life, more than the holidays. I have not been able to bring myself fully to the spirit of Christmas-- though now fully decorated, I feel surrounded by unrest in this house. Today, arising early, I might slow down and take in the light. I suppose it isn't really "Christmas" in its commercial sense that I long for, but rather the pace of Advent and the awareness of Solstice. I blame work for getting in the way of Christmas, but maybe it is Christmas that is getting in the way of the holiday? (though work is not helping either...time feels crushed as we race toward the end of the fiscal year...)

But may these candles continue to glow and quiet our days, and may I find my way out of the attic and into the light.