Thursday, December 17, 2009


Most mornings my husband goes jogging or climbs a mountain. This is his time-- sacred time, you might say. Time to be alone, focus, begin again in the light of a new day.

I have been feeling a real dearth of such time in my life. The go-go-go is immeasurable. And even with my personal go-go-go, I am still feeling that I am letting people down. It was just too much last night to take Camille to her school Christmas concert at the high school--one which seemed fairly unorganized and without expectation of attendance. Or maybe I'm just saying that to assuage my guilt. Walking into the house at 5:30, waving to my husband on his way out the door to his job, I spent the first half hour consoling a 3-year old out of a tantrum. By the time I had a chance to consider the concert, I realized that Lance had driven away with the car seats. Was this blessing or curse? My kids had a great time last night--oranges and bagel snacks, stories cuddled with mom, an extra long bath time, playing together. They were exhausted and ready for bed by 7:30 actually--the time the concert was slated to begin! I could just imagine how Elisa would have held up there, with mom feeling completely frazzled.

But again, I have mixed feelings. The go-go-go seems an imperative of culture--I am definitely not keeping up with the Joneses in Christmas consumption. This has led me to avoid extended family gatherings around the holidays where the idea is to pass out presents to everyone you've ever said hello to in your life. And the thing is I would pass out homemade presents-- if my life were such that I had time to spend carefully planning and preparing and making these. But my life consists of 40 hours of administrative work each week, caring for children (most times on alternating schedules from my husband), and a couple personal passions mainly related to religion, church, and history (most of this I fit into that 40 hours of administrative work--eating lunch at my desk while focusing on these--or in the hours after the kids fall asleep).

I'm not exactly sure what to do with time. It definitely is NOT to replace writing, reflection, and dreams with consumption or sedentary activity (i.e. TV watching). Those things are the easiest to give up--no-brainers really. And yet, I still feel pulled between activities of goodness and worth.

I am happy though--Camille will have the opportunity to participate in a Christmas Eve service at church--to process and sing with other children for this event. And I will try to plan better and make the Christmas concert at school next year.

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